the drawing took around ten hours, definitely more given the amount of time i would have spent picking at food and wondering aimlessly around my house, procrastination of all natures. it was very small and hurt my eyes but thats not what melted my brain.this was a commission for a friend of mine, i cycled round to there gaff to deliver the picture. got buzzed in, chatted for a bit smoked a joint or two and hit some nitrous. it was about 3 in the afternoon and my only objective of the day was too deliver the drawing, tick. i get it into my head that i can be productive art-wise fucked on booze and drugs, i dunno, i get deluded and think it might help the creative process, like maybe spark some sort of inspiration that could otherwise be unreached sober, david lynch has told me otherwise. unsure of everything
anyway i hit a balloon, la la la, familiar instantly fucked feeling, all is well. hit another, rah rah rah giggles laugh laugh. hit a double my friend and her flat mate were giggling away, i kept inhaling and exhaling intent on this one getting me pretty smashed. as i took the party decoration away from my lips and took that first gasp of air, i felt one hand completely clamp on to the neck of the balloon and the other spread ridged like a start fish, uncontrollably, like getting cramp that just locks in for time. my vision focused pin pointedly on a imaginary dot that felt two inches away from my eyeballs, i went cross eyed trying to gage what was happening in front of me. the pin point shot directly in front me through the hallway into the kitchen, this wasnt my brain spazing this was just the layout of the gaff, it was a straight line of vision. the pin point moved faster than anything ive witnessed and thats when i entered........
i could write on forever about what i saw next. having dipped into psychedelic a bit i know that its not all about seeing dragons and blue dogs pushing trollies around supermarkets throwing the piece sign. it was just shapes. this is a very hard thing to describe and if i spend too much time trying to write it down poetically then Im going to loose touch with it and start making things up. everything that happened was surrounded by darkness that went on forever, like if you can imagine floating in space without planets or stars or anything visual, i knew there was space between me and the blackness, it was never ending. this is going to sound gash but im trying to be as true to the vivd memory of what happened. i saw shapes and lights that were more bright defined that anything in reality ive set my eyes on, hallucinogenic sounds went along with these images, these sounds were clearer than anything ive every heard. in a nut shell everything felt more real than it does in reality. i have this idea that the reason for such feeling is maybe that electric signals haven't had to travel anywhere because i was literally just living in my brain, the senses of sight and hearing hadn't been altered by the quality of my eyes or ears. im unsure if this is making any sense. il continue anyway......
this is where its going to sound like a complete load of shit thats going to be impossible to understand......i thought i had reached the end of time, i though i was dead and my life was starting again, i though id pushed things to far and had now fucked it and fucked my head. a rectangular blue shape was rushing past my vision, it kept getting faster to the point, in reality it would have been a blur, but everything was so defined that i saw every edge bolt past clearer than day. i felt like i had gone mad. i felt like my whole life had led up to this point and i had accidently lent on the restart button.....all of my life saved data erased. fucked. i knew this was all going on in my head, but i was in my head, anything out of my head didn't excised any more. it was the single most scary experience if ever had and feel il never top it. its impossible to describe what i felt, saw and heard, it will never give the experience justice.
i came too. apparently i was out for a few minutes, (that few minutes felt like months) i sat down for a bit reflecting on the horrific that just happened. i felt a pain on my side that i later discovered to be a deep scratch from when i fell off the bed. i left the gaff shortly after, couldnt decide which way to walk, then remembered that id locked up my bike down the road, went to get it. felt really cold, then went back to the gaff an picked up the hoody i had just forgotten. second exited out the house i wondered round southsea for a bit on my bike i didnt want to go home, my head felt a mess.
i went to the doctor a week later worried because my head hadn't felt the same since, harsh head aches and i started to become really paranoid that i had damaged my brain, after all i wasnt entirely sure how long i was out for and didn't know if i was breathing throughout. the doctor had about as much sympathy as i deserved. when ever the scratch started to heal i would pull the scab off, i wanted a scar to remind me of this hectic period. it was an awful experience but one im glad to have embarked on. im going to cringe if i read this back i know it. never mind